Minus One

The day Ryland turned 13, he was sent back to his parents. Although the social worker couldn't give us details, she assured us that there have been significant improvements with them and that Ryland would be safe. I certainly hope she's right. Ryland promised he'd stay in touch so at least we'll all still be in contact.

Bret's grades are improving and improving quickly. I don't know what suddenly inspired him so much, but I'm sure glad it happened. He did three projects in one week on top of all his daily homework. I'm so proud of him. He's really growing up and maturing well.

I'd never tell Sofia this, but she is starting to show some lines and wrinkles since her birthday. I still think she's beautiful though. 

I haven't taken another single pill after my stash ran out. It's been rough and I fight the urge every day, but I'm hanging in there.

Roommates

We have new roommates. Rey was the first and she moved into Pop's old room almost a week ago. She's nice enough, not loud or obnoxious other than she won't stop baking cakes! I thought at first that maybe she was opening a bakery, but she said she's not. She just enjoys baking, I guess. Which would be fine if the cakes weren't taking over our kitchen!

Just a couple days after Rey moved in, we got a call from the social worker asking if we'd take in a boy. Of course we said yes. His name is Ryland and he going to be 13 in just three days. I feel like it might be a handful to have two teenage boys in the house, but I also feel like Sofia and I can handle it.

I decided to not tell her about my mishap with her sister. Things are going so well I don't want to ruin it all. I've also decided to stop taking pills. I only have a few left and when they're gone, I'm done.

Jaleesa's all grown up now! We just celebrated her birthday yesterday and she's moving to her own place already today. She's a very talented girl...young woman...who learns very quickly so I'm not worried about her at all.

We celebrated my birthday yesterday too and while I can't exactly consider myself young any more, I don't really feel old either. That is until I start thinking about Bret growing up, anyway. He's a teenager as of today and already rolling his eyes at every little thing.

Tomorrow is Sofia's birthday. She swears she's already seeing lines and wrinkles on her face, but I assured her that won't happen until after her birthday.

Something else happened too. Something I'm not proud of, but in the spirit of keeping this journal honest the way my dad intended, I decided to write about it. A couple days ago, after taking some pills, I slept with Sofia's sister. Sofia doesn't know so we're still okay, but I feel terrible. I'm debating if I should tell her or not. If I tell her though, would I truly be doing it because it's the right thing to do or would it be to ease my conscience? It wouldn't be fair to do it if it's just to ease my conscience. I need to really think hard about this and take a good, deep, hard look at myself.

Together Again

This is Reese writing because my Pops, Kaz, went to be with my dad. I know they're together now and happy, but it sure was hard losing him and now not having him by my side. Now that running the household is solely on our shoulders, Sofia and I are finally truly grasping what all Pops did for us. It's a bit of a struggle, but we're making it. We've even applied to be foster parents and should be hearing back from the agency soon.

It's been a rough week. The day after Pops died, Sofia's dad died and the very next day her mom died too. The kids have been taking it pretty rough, but they seem to be doing better now. Obviously it hit Sofia the hardest. There were some rocky times with her parents, especially after Sofia got pregnant with Bret, but thankfully we all managed to patch things up and move on before it was too late.

Next week is full of birthdays! Monday is mine and Jaleesa's, Tuesdays is Bret's, and Wednesday is Sofia's. As much as I'm not ready to be an adultier adult, I'm even less ready for the kids to age up again. Especially since Jaleesa will be growing into a young woman and moving off to her own place and Bret will be growing into a teenager no longer wanting to play with toys with his ol' dad. 

Birthdays

Little Jaleesa isn't so little any more! She is a teenager now and growing up way too fast. The boys are starting to take notice. Reese and I aren't happy about it, but such is life, I suppose. She is doing well though. She's a straight A student and is even considering college. Thankfully, we'd qualify for loans for that.

Bret is growing like a bad weed. He's in grade school now and unlike his sister, he has to be told to do his homework, but when he does it he does it well. He reminds me of his father in that regard which admittedly makes me slightly nervous, but all in all Reese turned out pretty well himself. He's a hard worker and a good provider. I think he still takes pills now and then and I don't believe for a moment those are ferns he has growing in the corner of the backyard, but I'm not asking any questions.

I've landed a job as a policeman and I'm loving it. I enjoy helping others and protecting them. And I look pretty dapper in the uniform if I do say so myself!

I have more aches and pains these days and my heart still aches for Fred especially as the children grow and enter each phase of life. I have to say though, life is good.

I Have A Grandson!

Bret Alan Steinberg was born yesterday! He and his mommy are both doing well. She's even back to work already. I had my birthday today and it feels like I've grown old overnight. I'm moving much slower (and with more pain) than I used to. I get to spend a lot of time with my new grandson though so that helps take my mind off things.

We were able to move into a bigger house. It has four bedrooms and two and a half baths so we all have our own rooms and much more space. We had to sell all our old furniture and replace it with cheaper things to be able to afford to move, but we did it! In time we'll be able to upgrade to nicer more comfortable things so it will all be worth it in the end. It's certainly nice to not be tripping over one another.

I'm enjoying everyone being here very much. My only regret is that Fred isn't here to enjoy it with me. He would've loved all the activity created by having little ones in the house. I keep his urn in the main room of the house and think of him often. The only relief to my pain is knowing that I'll be with him again one day. Reese has tried talking me into dating or at least going out and meeting someone, but I just don't have it in me. I'd rather just enjoy my time with my family and wait to see Fred again when my time comes.

Growing Household

Apparently Sofia's parents are very angry with her and not only will they not allow Reese to move into their house, they want Sofia to move out as well. What could I do? They don't have the money for their own place so of course I let her and her daughter move in with us. We were able to expand Reese's room enough to fit a double bed in there along with a twin size bed so the three of them are sharing Reese's room. I don't know what we'll do when they baby's born. There just isn't enough space without some extensive and expensive remodeling. Reese was able to pick up a job at the mortuary, but he's not even started yet so it'll be a while before he starts bringing any real money in.

That's a problem for another day, though. It's now 4am and my worries have kept me up more than late enough. I need to rest.

All Grown Up

We celebrated Reese's birthday today. It wasn't the same without Fred, but we still made it through and had a good time. Our boy is all grown up now. It's a good thing, since he told me over birthday cake that his girlfriend, Sofia Bjergsen, is pregnant. Neither one of them work so I don't know what they'll do other than rely on good ol' Pops, of course. I wish they had waited until they were older and more settled, but it can't be changed now and truth be told, as worried as I am for the three of them, I am excited, too. I can see the benefits of being a grandpop. I sure wish Fred was here during all this too though. No doubt he'd love being a grandpa.

They're very unprepared, though. Neither of them have a real job yet (Reese is still babysitting for now while he's looking for something better) and yet they want to get a place of their own. There's no way they could do it right now. I told Reese that Sofia could move in with us. It'd be cramped in our little house, but we'd figure it out. Sofia is talking to her parents too though to see how they'd feel about Reese moving in with them. It's all just very up in the air right now and Sofia's only in the first trimester so they do have some time, but I don't think they realize how fast that time will go.

Sad News

Our dear Fred died this morning, Winterfest morning of all times, just after we opened our presents. I am glad to have had at least one more Winterfest morning with him. The medical examiner said he believes it was simply old age, but he's going to do an exam just to be certain.

Personally, I can't help but to wonder if it was the stress from catching our son, Reese, high on some kind of pills. Of course, I'd never tell Reese that, but I still can't help wondering.

My poor dear Fred. I don't know how we'll manage without him. My heart is truly broken and our home already feels more empty.

- Kaz